To Write Erotica

You’ll Need Some Lists  (write these down)

– A list of ways to mispronounce the words “penis,” “vagina,” and “taint.” Among others.

– A list of verbs like run, catch, suck, bite, drive, cut, throw, hump, and kick.

– A list of household items like shoe, corkscrew, food processor.

– A list of dialog snippets such as,

“Behold my lusty man-hammer!”

“Wait. Are those my glasses?”

“So… What are your views on oral sex?”

Write the lists on paper and cut them into separate strips, or ballots.  Put the ballots in a cup, shake the cup, and pull a few strips out.

Hopefully it won’t come out as bad as this:


He reached over the coffee table and muted the TV. “Did you say ‘furgina’?”

She smiled and answered, “I fucking love this pork, god,” between bites. “Furgina… what of it?” She shrugged.

He changed the subject. “Yes, it’s thick and juicy. It melts in my fucking mouth.”

She licked her lips. “Try it with the applesauce, baby.”

“Oh god yes. Yes, you’re right! But I would never say “payniss.” Just so we’re clear!”


[full disclosure: here are some of the strips from the previous example]

“I fucking love this pork, god”

“yes, it’s thick and juicy isn’t it?”

“it fucking melts in my mouth.”

“try it with the applesauce”

“oh god yes”

blue, short, meaty, warm


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