The Aliens It Turns Out

415 words

Our long history of science fiction to the contrary, the first alien contact with humans was predicated on erectile dysfunction. The aliens it turns out, came to earth not to rule but to take our coal reserves. Carbon being to aliens an extremely rare vasodilator, a kind of interplanetary Viagra.

Naturally (or unnaturally as it may be in this case), alien genitalia does not work like human genitalia — there’s really no evolutionary correlation — and heart disease aside, carbon was the thing they needed and preferred, apparently, to allow them to successfully copulate with their alien wives and maintain their species.

Or so the pamphlets they dropped from the sky had said.

Their story seemed plausible to us, at first. No one questioned it, which in hindsight seems impossibly stupid. No one wondered why the aliens had brought their wives along for their initial mission to earth, what was essentially a location scouting mission. It was a long trip (13.6 billion light years long) and even using worm holes it took a while. Plus there was no guarantee they would find what they were looking for. Why bring the wives? It would be like if Vasco da Gama brought his wife along when he discovered India, or Christopher Columbus brought his wife along when he discovered. . . wherever the hell it was he discovered.

A few concubines, everyone agreed would be reasonable to bring along (speaking here about the aliens). It was a long boring trip after all, but their wives?

No one stopped to consider the technical and financial hurdles that the aliens would need to overcome simply to transport the engineers and laborers, the ones they needed to find and harvest the carbon, much less the negotiators who would have to make the deals. In the light of all that, transporting wives across the galaxy should have seemed such a luxury. It should have tipped us off.

Soon, it became apparent that the stated purpose of the trip, harvesting coal, was no longer the purpose of the trip. And still we only wondered.

I suppose because it was humorous for a while to see the aliens stumbling about, perpetually aroused. As weird as it was, it softened their appearance, made them appear more likeable, more human if that’s possible. But this effect quickly lost its appeal once the alien wives let slip alien babies, a dozen at a time. Alien babies, it turns out, are mean as hell and perpetually hungry.

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5 thoughts on “The Aliens It Turns Out

  1. Jo's Shelf Life

    ‘I suppose because it was humorous for a while to see the aliens stumbling about, perpetually aroused.’ …

    All I can say is it’s very refreshing to have your ridiculous sense of humour popping up in my blog feed. Superbly written, as ever. This one has a glorious, ‘Douglas Adams’-esque vibe. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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